A new begining

I feel as though today was a productive day, albeit I know it wasn’t. I spent the morning putting together the financial statements in both version (English and Vietnamese), updated the figures, adjustments etc and then sending it in for Ms. Secretary for formatting. I’m trying to spice up my mediocre life by looking at it from different, less pathetic perspectives, which is helping quite a bit, I must say. I want to be a better me, and trying to find new ways of doing it as it is a hard, arduous tasks and finding variety may keep me in line just enough to come out a better man.

Jump rope, for example, I “managed” to do 2x of boxer steps before the thing get tagged by my long scrawny legs. Got so many self help books to read but never got around to them. Got to get my summer body “back” (if I ever had it). Got to practice the balisong hair comb thing by love got for me on my birthday way way back. Add to that the giant amount of work, CV update, Coursera course which I signed up but never finished, Acca SBR books piled up by my bed, I conclude I still have ways to go.

Talked to a manager/friend today regarding career prospects. He liked the firm/work but saw my determination and my will to leave was adamant. He had ties: family, responsibilities; I had less so. I wanted more, I still wanted to learn, I still view life as a game where to level up was to gain more experience. I think I can’t stand another year for the same reasons I don’t like Stardew Valley or playing the position 1 carry: I don’t enjoy mindless farming. Of course the payoff is supposed to be worth it, that’s why I applied to PwC after all, to come out after a long period a better, matured, seasoned person tested by trials and tribulations. I can say I learned alot and made alot of beautiful friendships and memories these past 3 years, however I still feel more like a child than an adult. “24!?” I usually ask myself, disturbed, “I’m 24?”. “My friends are either making millions, having kids or going on to do great things and me.. I’m what? I’m sitting here on a Monday afternoon writing bland, tasteless blogs which no eyes will probably ever read. A befitting definition of a diary.

I’m not happy where I am. I mean, overall, health and relationship wise I’m good. But I can always be better, I’m always less of someone else. That is one of the traits that has kept me humble, kept me moving forward, kept me sane. It’s the antagonist of Stoicism and at this point I’m not sure which is healthy, that is which I should learn, try to embody. The thought of someday waking up realising I’ve wasted my life living day to day, “Carpe Diem” they say and not having a contingency plan, waking up to see everyone which were once my kin now my superiors, being left out of conversations, groups for being less savvy, less bright, less successful. It is the culmination of being alone and being left behind, both are crippling fears of one.

On the other hand, living for another day, investing in the long-term future in which by then we will have no time nor health to reap the benefits, only to pass it on the future generations who will squander the opportunity given to them by spoiled living or by investing it further as we have is also a sad prospect. The “rat race” (The rat race archetype often sacrifices current pleasures and benefits in anticipation of some future rewards. This is likely the most familiar archetype to many of us (continuously setting new goals, never pleased, always busy)”. Someday the fire in me will burn out, will I then have the time, health to enjoy what i reap? Will I then have my friends, family, parents by my side to share my happiness as I do now? By then will I be happy, will be smell the flowers, will I be rid of envy, wrath and greed? What is the purpose of living for tomorrow if one doesn’t live today? The ugly, heavy truth is that one day we will all die; but for every day leading to then, we get to live.

I hope one day I’ll find the answers to these questions, maybe when I’m older and wiser as I am now. For now, my stance is to make peace with my ignorance and come to terms with the fact that some questions may never be answered, especially if they are a reflection of the inquirer himself.

“Do not go gentle into that good night” – Dylan Thomas

(15:00) Rainy, 17°C

Its been quite a day. I’m finishing up on a fieldwork of a certain client, one that I gladly adore as it marks the end of another busy season. That’s 3 under my belt now, more than most can say. I’ve changed, grown, died inside quite a bit, the actual extent maybe only for me to know. God knows this isn’t the end of my work, I’m currently contemplating the tasks to be done, finished over the weekend to get this remaining client of my chest. My to do list keeps getting longer as I try to think up new tasks, prolonging my procrastination against doing actual work. The associate staff are hard at work, or at least I think so, as they are more hardworking than I. I guess dissonance is something that happens to seniors, or maybe I’m just a lazy fuck without any goals or things to live for, strive towards.

So the fieldwork’s more or less done, (hint: it’s less), and I’ll probably consolidate all findings, issues, pending items for discussion with the Chief Accountant as soon as I’m done with my spiel that we’re on right here. Ms. H, we’ll call her. Nothing much to write home about for the next 2,3 hrs I don’t think. Mainly busy work with revising the financial statement on Excel before transferring that into Word and casting it over and over and over and over and over before sending it in for management review. By now I’m no longer lying to myself that it’s anything less of busy work. We, PAs, do refer to ourselves as “laborers” after all. But management will have comments, and we will have to revise what we do and how we do it. It’s a fact of life now honestly, or something I’ve come to expect as common as breathing.

My happiness, or rather the respite from all the boredom, frustration and self-loathing, sleep deprived months of my life were my friends, “Ice-tea” we called ourselves. A band of friendly faces who were there for each other, me included through the rough patches of daily life. I find it hard to put into words the admiration and gratitude I feel for being included as one of them. By far the most beautiful memories I’ve created during my time. The late nights talk by one of those sidewalk tea shops, going to a friends bachelor party, getting drunk shitfaced then collectively put of face-masks and slept. The gratuitous laughter in Hai Phong City after getting high and watching the news crammed into a 2 bedroom hotel room (about 9 guys i would say) while the 3 random girls who were only there to help us convince the higher ups that we were going to be responsible during our business trip, if it can be called that. (Hint: it can’t) (Further hint: We weren’t). But that’s the expected outcome of a group of young, irresponsible adults left alone in Hai Phong with no chaperone and no regard for life itself. We were done with busy season that time as well, and common for things frustrated for a period of 4 months, we spent that time very well.

Reminiscing has always made me sad, I’m just a nostalgic person like that. Much more now that my Ice Tea band has all but been disband, each guy is of doing there own thing after leaving the accounting life. Some may return, but at a different firm no less; everyone understood the nature of the business as having high turnover and fleeting friendships. But bonds like those are made for life, I’d like to think. I was meaning to get the boys back, we probably all were if not for Covid-19, but we are making plans as we speak. The Skype group chat is bursting with notifications of an upcoming Dota2 meet between the firms team. I guess I didn’t notice financial audit had so many playing members, been dissonance, remember? But I’m sure I’ll get to know the guys and girl soon. Without any chance of a company trip for me and the guys to turn into another night or week on the town I’m sure I’ll find another way to blow off steam and make lasting memories. I really want to seize the day and make the most of my time left.

17:24

Please forgive me, I haven’t been myself since 4pm. I’m depressed and I don’t know why. It’s debilitating and so out of the ordinary given I’m listening to Thefatrat. Is it the cold season? Is it the fact that I’m sitting alone in a cafe (Vpresso) working since 10am on a Sunday and I have been for the past 2 weeks? Is it the fact that my parents have gone abroad and I’m feeling like I usually do when I have to stay at home and self study Acca by myself on a working day morning when all my friends and family are off doing something else. It must be that, the loneliness.

It’s cold, maybe not and I’ve just underestimated the weather and haven’t worn enough layers (3). I have been sitting here since 10am trying to keep myself busy. I mean, I am but I meant something meaningful. I’m banking on reporting for Bclient to be done in 3 days time. Please. Tet is coming, will I get my well deserved rest? Is there 30-40 more years of this? What’s at the finish line? Why am I having my existential crisis mid busy season? Aren’t I supposed to be working? I don’t know what my breaking point is, but I get the feeling I’m reaching it soon. I don’t think it is because purely of busy season. It’s my senior year and I don’t have much at stake. Nothing at all. I have literally no further agenda and no long term goals here, it should feel light but it isn’t. Am I taking things too seriously? Am I not?

This Thefatrat music thing is bothering me, so I’m switching to Bleach videos. Something, anything to keep me stable. I’m not.

I might not ever find happiness. The closest thing right now is spending time in the clutches of my loved ones. What is next. What is next. What is next.

Pizza. It’s pizza of course. My lil sis demanded it for dinner and I’ll be damned if she isn’t getting what she wants. Pizza hut maybe. <3. I miss my childhood, it’s a horse beaten to death but I really do, I think most of us do. Highschool was probably best, but I think for me the past is always romanticized. I just miss my friends is all. Or at least the feeling of being around them. They say growing up is growing apart. Actually no one says shit like that, it just happens. I’m sorry I’m only up here when I’m sad and delibilitated. Wrong spelling but I don’t think I’ll change it. Haiz. The past 19 days have been eventful, surprisingly. And I’ll take a minute to recap, at least it’ll provide busy work for me:

Jan 1 2020: New years, 1st blog, prep for busy season

Jan 6: Bclient 1st day, depression hit like a truck

Jan 12th: Parent’s anniversary, I didn’t do anything to help celebrate nor pack. PoS I am.

Jan 13th: Kclient 1st day, worked all weekend on B but here I am, parents left at 9pm, I went and saw them off. Oh and I got my Acca results. 2 Professional papers passed. I am a God. Happiness didn’t last long though, sad as it maybe

Jan 15th: Happy Birthday. Nothing was given, nothing was gain. Nothing changed and life goes on. 24. 2 zodiacs. The age mom was at when she had me. And yet I feel nothing like a grown up. Not yet good at adulting, will I ever be?

Jan 19th: Here i am. Goodbye. I’m off to buy pizza and work again. Thanks I’m feeling a bit better.

Acca 1 more to go (53,59). I’ll keep thinking of that to carry me through the season.

New Years resolution

Welp, this is me setting out on my 1st attempt at writing a blog. Or at least that’s what I think, or at least something readable. Not writing this to be read, by neither me in the future, sup man – or by anyone else for that matter. However, if you find yourself here, know that this is the 1st of many attempts I’m making – or trying to – to turn my life around, for the better, and please bear with it.

New years eve was spent with love out on the town, similarly to any other nights except for the tingling sensation in the air, whether from external or internal I do not know nor care to distinguish. For me, a hint of sadness looms in the air. I get that way often. For one thing I am a melancholic person by nature, often finding the past beautiful and haunting and mesmerizing and so much more; for another 2019 has been a turbulent year for me. Actually writing it out now I do not feel that way so much. Perhaps because I hide my propensity to compare myself with others, strengths and weaknesses alike and it feels like my experience and hardships are miniscule compared to others and that I tend to romanticize my hardships to gain pity points. It’s true I must admit, however much I try to deny it. I have been extremely blessed throughout my life, education, career, and my experiences amount to nothing, making me a shallow and uninteresting character, who has been through nothing of value, gained nothing of value and loss nothing of value for me to be able to write content that spells out anything significant. I am insignificant and have spent the better portion of my life learning to come to terms with it, which has not finished. I am constantly plagued by the thought of how short life is and how insignificant, uneducated, inexperienced I am compared to the vast open world. This is sporadically brought up again via common themes in everyday life that I often encounter, or at least try to surround myself with to be a reminder of “carpe diem” and that “life” is extraordinary and every second of every minute of every day could be one’s last. (“The secret life of Walter Mitty”, “Dead Poets Society”, “Cloud Atlas”…). I yearn for more, more than a 9-5 job, more than comfort, than ease. Alas I do not know what exactly I want, and I have come to terms with the demoralizing truth that I may never will, I will continue with the pursuit of happiness, something unachievable with my current mentality and state of mind, for all of eternity.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I did really tried to help, however I could. Now all those empty, unused group chats are just a testament to my incompetence and lack. We didn’t talk much up to recent events, I’m sorry for that but that’s that. When I heard, I reconnected and tried to dull the pain with activities. I think I speak for two when I say it must’ve helped somewhat. Then you opened up and told me more and that only made me relate so much more and extended more of myself. But that’s all in the past. You’re not here now and you will no longer be, that’s all that matters. I thought I was over it but writing these things out brings back memories; memories which are unpleasant to reminisce but demands to be remembered and it’s making me tear up. You were the first of close friends which are lost and that’s why I think it’s the hardest. I know you’ve been through a lot of hardships and pain throughout your life and during the minutes leading up to its end, but I choose to believe that you’re in a better place now, please be. I’ll always treasure what little memories we managed to create and keep it alive. Within that one month we reconnected: the night at your office talking and watching “The Boys” after a night of drinking and “chao suon cho Dong Xuan”; the next morning talk at Gemini till 12pm, and the subsequent cafe talk after that. Your love for Rick and Morty, tomoe tattoos and hopes and dreams for the future, I’ll always respect. Your friends and I, and your other loved ones will always rememember your characteristic grins and happy attitude, it will be the thing we will miss the most. If I had known our conversation would be cut short, I would’ve said so much more, but I think that goes both ways. In any case, you no longer have to worry about any of that, anything at all.

Sleep easy, tuck yourself in and I’ll see you in another time.

Don’t people always say “when one door closes, another one opens”? I think, I know its supposed to represent the cycle of life and death, the timelessness of time and how tomorrow is always another day whether the sun rises and everything is reset for new experienced and opportunities. I guess this is one of the times when it’s not so true, huh. Take care.

If anyone ever reached down this abyss, know that I love you and that I’m here if you need someone to listen to you.

Hanoi, Splendora Hoai Duc, Jan 1st 2020, 3:06 PM